So heartbroken. Pain in my roots. Displaced again. For the 5th time in my life. This time again by self-exile.
The 1st photo is at the time of my 2nd displacement around 4 months old, when we immigrated from Libya to USA. My 1st displacement was in utero when my mom *would have aborted me had she not been pregnant in Libya*.
Since then I’ve carried the archetype, karma & imprints of the orphan– learning to resolve & unlearn stories & themes of rejection, not belonging, being thrown out, ejected, unwanted & unloved.
In this photo my feet are bound as I was born with club feet & needed to sleep with a metal bar between my legs for my 1st year of life. Though it seems the trauma of rejection was instantly imprinted onto my feet leaving me feeling ungrounded & uprooted my whole life, i’m so thankful for my mother who completed this intervention everyday for a year so I wouldn’t walk with a limp.
May Allah increase her with blessings always. The cycle of karma & trauma always come with constellations for healing & are available right away subhan Allah.🤲🏾
My inner child is so heartbroken right now as I close out my life in LA. What happened California? Why did you kick me out?💔
To my earth mama California, who embraced me & nurtured me when removed also by self-exile from my ancestral homelands as the infant in this pic– why didn’t you want me anymore?
I really do feel like I got kicked out. Like a lover who suddenly while in the throes of a great romance just decided they’re bored & breaks up w/ me out of the blue. Threw my stuff on the sidewalk & pretended not to know me anymore.
That’s the story my inner child has in her head about what happened the last 2 years. She wants to drop to her knees & scratch, beat & bite the earth. She wants to know why her mother doesn’t love her & she wants to live with her forever.
I was attached to so many things here. Aside from the land spirits like the crickets, the great grandma oaks, the squirrels, dirt, ocean, birds & grandfather sky, the other thing I miss about living in LA is organic junkfood. Petty & materialistic AF. I know. All attachments to things. In the land of things I became addicted to things. Many things.
My inner child is sad, confused and grieving. The other parts of me like my victim, saboteur, prostitute, mother, mystic, judge & healer have been in mourning for the 2 years. I’ve been gutted. Emptied out. Deep in the cosmic teachings of non-attachement.
And now as I return to my home away from home away from home away from home, I’m being shown that this dispossesion & expulsion has less to do with me & California & more to do with my kids destinies & Egypt. It’s Egypt that wants my kids, not California that doesn’t want us. They have some sort of destiny, purpose, agreement with Egypt they need to fulfill & as their guardians i must help facilitate that.
So as I hold space for my inner child to grieve the loss of playing with her own children in her childhood playground, im alsoblearning to resource cultivate home, oneness & belonging from within.
For me, my inner child and my children.
May Allah guide us all & grant us ease! Ameen.🤲🏾